Then we begin to love our brothers and sisters, and we certainly want them to be generous and affectionate! By learning to love and to be loved by our brothers and sisters we develop our ability to love and form relationships - habits we will carry throu ghout our lives.

When we grow up, we make a commitment to one person and begin our relationship as husband and wife. We have sex with them, but we want our sexual relationship to be based on our emotional love, and we definitely want them to be generous, unchangin g and affectionate!

Ultimately, we become parents ourselves, and then, after learning all our lessons with our parents, our brothers and sisters, and our spouse, we have a good shot at giving our children love that is unchanging, unselfish, and deep.

So, there are four primary types of love: love of children, love of siblings, married love, and parental love. If we learn these basic types of love within the family unit, we can then extend our circle of love to include all those whom we come into cont act with.

This is real love - Healthy Love.

7. How do we learn to love?
Do we learn how to love automatically, by instinct? Are we born generous, affectionate and unchanging? No, we are born selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless, inconsiderate - and that's just the first day!

From the day we are born we begin to develop into mature adults, but we have to work at it. It doesn't happen automatically. We learn to love by receiving love from our parents, and practicing with our brothers and sisters. As we grow and our horizons br oaden, we continue to develop our capacity to love through our interaction with people in all walks of life.

8. What kind of person would you like to marry? Wouldn't you rather marry a mature, responsible person? What are the qualities of a mature person?
Most people will agree that someone can be considered mature when they are responsible, dependable, trustworthy, loving, secure, stable, and capable of self-control. Wouldn't you like to be loved by someone like that?

9. What is self-control?
We have two kinds of desires: the desires of the body and the desires of the mind. The body desires to eat, sleep, be comfortable and have sex. The mind's desires are more internal: it is the mind that seeks knowledge, goodness, beauty, and so forth.

Self-control has to do with the proper ordering of these desires. The mind should take control over the body so that physical desires do not become a hindrance to the fulfillment of our primary, internal goals in life.

For instance, our internal desire to pursue goodness should prevent us from stealing something - a nice car, perhaps - that we desire externally; our internal desire for beauty will prevent us from littering; our internal desire for knowledge will push u s to study further, even if we feel sleepy.

Just as there are two kinds of desire, there are also two kinds of freedom. To grant freedom to our physical body without regard to the mind is called licentiousness. Real freedom is the internal sense of freedom that comes when we achieve a mature level of self-control, when all our actions are in harmony with our primary, internal goals, and we feel good about ourselves.

Introduction Part Two of Four
Today's teen-agers are being sent mixed messages about sexuality. On the one hand they are told not to have sex, but on the other hand they are subjected to an endless stream of information about "safe" and "safer" sex, along with explicit guidelines abo ut how to practice it. They are told that the HIV virus cannot be spread by casual contact, yet they read that the same virus can be detected in human saliva. They are told to be abstinent one moment, and to "practice safe sex" the next.

Safe(r) sex is promoted as something noble, almost saintly, and abstinence is openly criticized as unnatural and unrealistic, even by government representatives. In the rush to persuade youth to embrace the condom, its limitations are glossed over or eve n completely ignored as if they were nothing more than obstacles standing in the way of the onward march of perfect public health and universal enlightenment.

The Healthy Love program shows clearly that the choice between abstinence and safer sex is a choice between eliminating the risk of AIDS and retaining it. Moreover, Healthy Love shows that abstinence is not just a question of not having sex, but is one p art of a life style based upon the ideal of true love, a life style that is practical, healthy, positive, and, above all, attractive.

10. How do you attract a loving, stable, dependable mate?
We are most attracted to people who are similar to us in some way, people with whom we share common interests and goals.

The best way, the surest way to attract a loving, stable, dependable mate is to become loving, stable and dependable yourself. The best thing you can do is to spend your time and energy on developing your own character and personality, with the goal of b ecoming a mature person capable of sustaining a stable, loving trustworthy relationship.

What happens when you grow into a mature person practicing Healthy Love? You are ready to begin a faithful, monogamous relationship with another mature person who practices Healthy Love. A couple who practices Healthy Love produces a healthy marriage, an d then a healthy family.

11. What is a healthy family?
How would you describe a healthy family? Most people would probably say a healthy family is ethical, loving, stable, and loyal.

Do you notice that the qualities of a mature person and a healthy family are much the same?

Monogamy in a family is the same as self-control in an individual; having a faithful relationship depends on the self-control of both partners.

You need to be abstinent after you get married: you need to be capable of abstaining from sex with everyone but your partner, so abstinence before marriage is practice for fidelity after marriage.

That's why Healthy Love is such an important part of our growth and development. When we abstain, when our love is healthy, we are free to develop into our full potential as mature, stable, dependable, responsible, loving adults.

12. Why do people want to have sex?
What's good about sex? Sex isn't bad. That's actually why this is such a complicated problem! Sex isn't bad, but it needs to come at the right time. Sex is a very potent force, like fire. Fire can be either good or bad; it depends on how it's used.

Sex feels good. It's an expression of love. It makes people feel closer. It makes our marriage relationship special. It's how our families keep growing, it's how the human race keeps developing instead of dying out.

13. What's wrong with "safe sex?"
Okay, now what's bad about sex? Or, more precisely, what's bad about premature sexual activity? That's a very important distinction. Sex between two mature, faithful and committed adults is a completely great, positive, wonderful, necessary thing. The problems we discuss are problems that come from sex between people who are not yet mature, and who are not committed to a faithful relationship with just one person. There are three main kinds of problems.

First, there are physical problems with premature sexual activity. The most common problems are unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.

Second are the emotional problems that result from premature sexual activity. These often include depression, anxiety, insecurity, fear of commitment, and fear of abandonment.

Third, there are social effects of premature sexual activity. That means the problems that everyone in society has because some people have unwanted pregnancies or sexually transmitted diseases.

Young girls who have babies can't support themselves, and often get sick, and their babies do too. Even when the babies are older, these girls may not be able to work because they couldn't finish their education. This is very stressful; when people are u nder stress they are more likely to abuse or neglect their children. We all end up paying for people who can't take care of themselves.

People who catch diseases often can't pay for their own medical care, so we all end up paying for that, too.

The social effects of premature sexual activity aren't just financial. The families of people who suffer unwanted pregnancy and disease suffer with them. It's very sad to see people sick, or little children being hurt, so as a society, we end up sufferin g emotionally as well as financially.

14. What are "safe sex" and "safer sex?"
"Safe sex" and "safer sex" mean having sex using condoms and spermicide. This is supposed to give some protection from pregnancy and STDs, but offers no protection from the emotional problems that result from premature sexual activity.

15. Is safer sex realistic? Let's look at some facts about condoms.
Condoms are supposed to prevent pregnancy by putting a rubber barrier between your skin and the sperm. However, sometimes the rubber falls off or breaks. Because of this, the failure rate for pregnancy is so high that if you have sex twice a week, about once a month the condom might fail.

16. Do condoms prevent the spread of AIDS?
The failure rate for AIDS/HIV transmission is even higher than pregnancy rate because of a naturally occuring defect in the latex rubber used to make most condoms.

In the 1800's, an English doctor discovered that the rubber barrier also gave some protection against STDs. However, all the STDs known at the time were caused by bacteria, not viruses. This may not seem like a problem, but actually it is: viruses are mu ch smaller than bacteria.

Rubber is a natural product, and it naturally has microscopic holes or pores in it. These holes are smaller than bacteria or sperm, so bacteria and sperm don't go through the rubber. However, the virus that causes AIDS is hundreds of times smaller than t he bacteria, so the rubber doesn't necessarily stop the virus.

How big are these pores? If a bacteria is the size of a house, the holes in the rubber are the size of a window - and the virus is the size of a baseball. So the rubber condom is likely to let the virus right through.

17. Is sexual activity safe if it doesn't include intercourse?
Because of the problems with condoms, some people recommend mutual masturbation. There are several drawbacks to this approach.

The AIDS virus attacks white blood cells, so wherever there are white blood cells, AIDS may be transmitted. White blood cells are abundant in the mucous membranes - nose, mouth, and genitals. Where there is contact with the mucous membranes of an infected person, the virus may be transmitted.

All sexual activity involves the mucous membranes. This means that all sexual activity, not just intercourse, may transmit the AIDS virus.

Another major problem with mutual masturbation is that once you start, you become stimulated very quickly, and it takes willpower to stop short of actually having intercourse. Then you have very little protection from disease and unwanted pregnancy.

18. Is abstinence realistic?
Often when abstinence is discussed or recommended, nothing is said about the behaviors and choices that lead an individual to engage in sexual activity. It is presented as if, at the moment of passion and excitement, we are just going to decide to pass o n the pleasure for now for the sake of future health and wellbeing. This is, quite understandably, not pleasant, and would require enormous willpower.

In reality, everyone practices abstinence most of the time. Any time we are not actually having sex, we are abstaining from sex. If you are not having sex with every attractive person you meet, then you are practicing abstinence - so you must know of som e context in which abstinence is realistic.

What we need to do is learn how to practice abstinence consistently. Abstinence can be learned and practiced the same way we learn and practice any other skill, from playing the flute to driving a car.

Introduction Part Three of Four
The argument most often raised in the public debate about abstinence education is that, while abstinence is certainly preferable and does work for some, it is hopelessly naive to expect that the vast majority of teen-agers can be persuaded to practice an abstinent life style in today's society.

Our teen-agers' minds are saturated with sexually charged messages from virtually all aspects of contemporary culture. Moreover, accessibility to numerous contraceptive options, including as a last resort abortion-on-demand, have enabled the most obvious adverse consequence of promiscuity-the birth of unwanted babies-to be eliminated at will. We have entered a downward spiral of depravity in which the very permissiveness of our society increases the pressure on individuals to engage in promiscuous activ ity.

In order for abstinence to be effective in such a situation, programs need to be implemented that give teenagers both convincing reasons why they should want to practice abstinence and effective techniques that will enable them to practice abstinence successfully within an environment that is at best indifferent and at worst hostile to abstinence as a life-style choice. Healthy Love seeks to fill this need.

19. Doesn't abstinence mean just saying no?
Absolutely not! You don't teach someone to play football by tossing them a ball and saying "Just do it." You give them equipment, instructions, a coach, and lots of friends who are doing the same thing, so that they have tools, instruction and reinforcem ent. Abstinence works the same way.

20. Isn't abstinence just for religious fanatics?
No, it's not. You don't have to be religious to abstain from sex, you just have to be sensible. It's about health and it's about relationships. Abstinence is simply the healthiest way to go, and we want to give everyone the opportunity, regardless of the ir beliefs or cultural background.

In fact, all major religions - Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Christianity, Islam, Sikhism, Jainism, Taoism - have supported the ideal of abstinence prior to marriage. Even communist societies have actively discouraged premarital sex.

21. How do we learn to practice abstinence?
When you want to encourage someone to play the flute, do you say, "Wouldn't you like to spend the next several years practicing scales alone every day, and having your friends laugh at you because you sound funny?" Do you then proceed to hand them a flut e and wish them luck?

No, you would say, "Wouldn't you like to learn to play this beautiful instrument and have fun making music with your friends in the band?" Then you would give them the flute, a fingering chart, an exercise book, weekly lessons, and have them join a lot o f other people who are doing the same thing. You would do this because experience has shown that this is the best way for someone to successfully learn to play the flute.

This is also the best way to teach abstinence. Provide tools, instructions and reinforcement. In the context of a thoughtful, structured, supported program, abstinence is completely practical, normal and reliable.

22. Are most young people sexually active?
It's human nature to want to be part of the crowd, and these days, unfortunately, healthy love and high ideals are under attack. The popular cliche is that most young people frequently engage in sexual activity. However, a 1992 report from the Centers fo r Disease Control indicates that 46% of all high school students have never had premarital intercourse. The same survey indicates that only 21% of high school students are currently "sexually active." The other 33%, although not virgins, were abstinent - sexually inactive - during the three months before the interview. That means that 79% - a clear majority - were practicing abstinence. It's just not true that "Everybody's doing it."

23. Is abstinence difficult? It depends on your approach.
If you only rely on saying no, then you may frequently be confronted with uncomfortable situations, where there is a conflict between your physical desire and your long-term goals and aspirations.

However, with Healthy Love, you develop a clear understanding of why you choose to abstain from inappropriate sexual activity. You learn to recognize the steps that lead to sexual activity, and you learn how to adjust your habits in ways that maintain yo ur decision to practice abstinence.

Because you choose to bypass situations where sexual activity occurs, abstinence becomes normal for you, and therefore, no more difficult than any other routine you practice - brushing your teeth, getting dressed, or eating dinner.

24. What are the challenges to people who want to abstain?
Peer pressure is a common challenge to people who want to be abstinent.

People always want to be around others who they have something in common with. That's why we join groups, why we like to visit relatives and family reunions, why we look for a mate who is "compatible." If many people do the same things we do, then we fee l like it must be okay - everyone's doing it.

We can either find people who are already like us, or we can try to encourage them to become like us. This can be positive, if we try to encourage people to become better than they are, by getting them to recycle, volunteer, or work harder at home or at school.

Peer pressure becomes negative when we try to get someone to stop a good behavior. Negative peer pressure is what happens when someone tries to get you to steal, take drugs, or have sex.

So, use positive peer pressure - peer support: hang out with friends who support your decision to be abstinent and friends who have made the same decision.

Confusion of values is another serious problem. Some people say that, since there is disagreement over value systems, we shouldn't teach them. Unfortunately, as a result, instead of freedom we have anarchy. How do we know what to believe anymore?

All cultures, however, agree on basic values and standards for behavior; it's mostly in the details that we differ. All agree, for instance, that you shouldn't murder people, you shouldn't steal things, and you should take care of children. All cultures have rules and customs governing the ways that people relate to each other.

Emotional Desires can make it difficult to abstain. We all have a desire for closeness, for intimacy. It's important to realize, though, that sex doesn't create closeness; if you weren't close before, you won't be any closer afterwards. Int imacy is a form of trust, which comes from developing a pattern of shared experiences and unselfish love.

Physical sexual urges can be very strong. They're meant to be; that's what ensures the survival of humankind.

Media Distortion - The entertainment media (TV, movies, advertising) make money by appealing to the broadest number of people.

25. Why doesn't the media promote a healthy, abstinent lifestyle?
People want love, but it's hard to show true love on TV, because the qualities of true love are mostly internal and invisible; how do you show someone being everlasting? How electrifying is it to watch someone being responsible, dependable, stable and tr ustworthy? It probably won't happen in a 30-second commercial!

Most people are excited to think about sex. Lurid sex stories catch our attention - and that's all the advertisers need! They don't care if you agree with them; they make money by drawing your attention to their product. Even those who would never engage in sex outside of marriage will watch sexual situations or at least tolerate them.

There is a lopsided emphasis on physical love. It's up to each of us to be aware of the images we allow into our own heads, and to remember that we're in control - there is an off-button, a different channel, another magazine.

26. Will my boyfriend or girlfriend think I don't love them if I don't have sex?
Love isn't just a question of being physically attracted or having a strong "crush" on someone. Love entails respect for the other person, especially for the internal values that person chooses to live his or her life by. If someone doesn't respec t your values, your integrity, your decisions, do they really respect you as a person? Do they really love you?

A person who is willing to end a relationship just because you won't have sex with them never loved you in any real, mature sense to begin with. And a person who thinks that your unwillingness to have sex means that you don't care about them is certainly insecure emotionally and should obtain some form of counseling.

27. Is it unhealthy to suppress sexual urges?
Well, have you ever heard of anyone dying from lack of sex? Did you ever hear of someone's sexual organs exploding because they didn't have sex?

When someone says it's unhealthy to suppress sexual urges, they're usually talking about a psychological condition, and they mean people who want to pretend that they don't have urges. Usually you hear that you must express these urges, or you'll get sic k from suppressing them.

But it's not only a choice between expressing or suppressing. What if you felt like killing someone? That would be an urge, and you can't express it by killing the person, or you'd be in a lot of trouble yourself. If you suppress the urge, pretend you do n't have it, you might have some kind of psychological problem later on. What's the healthy thing to do?

Do something to relieve the urge without acting on it directly. Kick a can. Use the energy of your anger to build something. Take a walk and think about why you're angry; often you'll decide it wasn't so important after all.

What you're doing is taking that urge to kill someone and directing it into a healthy activity. You can, and should, do the same thing with sexual urges.

Direct all that energy into something creative. Learn to play an instrument. Make a sculpture. Build things. Sew things. Find a hobby you like, and pour all your creative nature into it. You'll be growing, maturing, and learning about yourself. It's the healthy thing to do.

Introduction Part Four of Four
To practice abstinence is a choice. One reason why more young people do not choose abstinence is that the information that is available to them, and that they rely upon to make their decision, is heavily weighted in favor of premature sexual activity and against abstinence. Most young people can think of more pressing reasons not to practice abstinence than to do so. This is because abstinence is usually presented in a vacuum, as if it is purely a matter of refraining from a pleasurable activity, rather than as part of a overall desirable and healthy life style. Premature sex, on the other hand, is promoted as being natural, attractive, fulfilling, and healthy if practiced "safely."

Sex cannot be separated from its accompanying emotions. The underlying and unaddressed issue is: What kind of love do we want our society to be based upon? What is our love concept? Should love be deep or shallow, changing or unchanging? Should love exis t primarily for the individual or the whole, for myself or for my partner? Confusion in our concept of love is at the heart of all of the problems in contemporary human relationships. Without providing them with a clear, rational concept of love, we cann ot expect young people to make a responsible decision to avoid premature sexual activity.

28. How can I keep my commitment to practice Healthy Love?
No one can impose abstinence on you. To practice abstinence, you need to make a commitment to yourself. Ultimately, you decide how you live your life. What you need to do is gather all the information you can in order to make informed, intelligent, healt hy lifestyle choices.

You have to make your decision; nobody can decide for you, not your teachers or parents or anyone else.

You have to know why you made your decision. Pick out the points that are most meaningful to you. Positive reasons will last longer than scare tactics. Think what you have to live for! Write down your reasons so that they will be clear to you.

You have to own your decision: once your reasons are clear, make your own choice. Don't sabotage your decision - don't give yourself excuses or ways out, like "I'll be abstinent unless I meet someone really special." If you think that way, then yo u haven't quite gotten the point: that abstinence - Healthy Love - is freely developing into your full potential as a loving person, and saving yourself for one person, who will be faithful to you, and you to him or her.

You have to decide what you want: a stable, lasting, dependable true love relationship, or a temporary, weak love, going from person to person, with all the heartache that causes.

Once you decide, act in a way that will realize your goal; practice Healthy Love because it's consistent with what you want out of your life, with your own ideals.

29. How do I keep myself from giving in to sexual urges?
To remain in control of our sexual urges, we need to control the environment we choose to be in. Make lifestyle choices that will support your decision to practice Healthy Love.

Sex doesn't happen by accident. Any time we are in a situation where we have to decide whether or not to have sex, we have already made choices and decisions that have brought us to that point. These choices involve what we wear, what we carry with us, w ho we're with, where we go, and, most importantly, what we're thinking.